Chuck Norris jokes

everything is borrowedIt’s close to the holiday season and the parties that come with it. So brushing up on some jokes may be a good idea. I’ll share my favorite Chuck Norris jokes with you.

There’s a whole genre of one-liner extravagant claims. For example, trading insults about your mama, like “Your mama’s so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.” Or there’s the “World’s most interesting man” ads for Dos Equis beer, which are great too.

The Chuck Norris one-liners are useful. When you want to use extreme exaggeration to make a point, replace Chuck Norris with the person you’re talking about. For example “When Donald Trump turned 18… his parents moved out.” After all, the holidays have generally become a time for excess.

Here’re my favorites:

There’re no steroids in sports, there’re just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris can speak French… In Russian.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Once, a cobra bit Chuck Norris. Then after five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris’s daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.

Chuck Norris hears sign language.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth away.

Once, Chuck Norris walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris just stares down a book until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can see around corners with his penis.

Chuck Norris doesn’t win, he allows you to lose.

Chuck Norris can understand women.

Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.