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Tips from peoples’ therapy

She may not always love me the way I want her to, but she’s loving me the best she knows how.

When you say “I feel that this action was inconsiderate” the other person can’t say you don’t feel that way.

The problem is you’re thinking rationally when dealing with somebody who’s irrational.

You’re responsible for your actions, not others’ reactions.

Every time you resist feeling an emotion it goes down to the basement to lift weights.

Other people having it worse does not make your pain any less real, someone else’s broken ankle doesn’t mean yours isn’t sprained.

If you can imagine the worst thing, you can imagine the best thing. Both things are imaginary. Say the positive outcome out loud and repeat it until it feels more real.

Don’t attempt to understand why a dysfunctional person does what they do. Dysfunction has no logic behind it.

Relationships are as subject to the sunk cost fallacy as anything else. They shouldn’t be held onto at all costs simply because they’re long standing. No matter how good it once was or for how long, if it’s not serving you any more (or has become toxic) it’s okay to end it.

Don’t compare yourself to other people or compare yourself to fantasy versions of how your life would’ve turned out had you made a different choice. That’s the most dangerous mind game of all.

Thoughts aren’t facts.

Tell people when they upset you instead of hoping they will notice your changed behavior towards them.

Listen to what people say but watch what they do.

For intrusive thoughts and rumination: schedule a short daily time to allow it, and when the thought comes into your head just put it off until that time. Eventually you may forget to do your daily ruminating and it just passes.

Stop expecting something someone does not have to give.

Ask why people do and say things, instead of assuming you know why. You never know what someone is thinking until you ask them. Save yourself the effort of mindreading (misreading) and ask.

 

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Velociraptors

Sure the velociraptors are still on the loose, but that’s no reason not to reopen Jurassic Park.

Rather than double down on our containment efforts, we’ve decided to dissolve the velociraptor containment task force altogether, focusing instead on getting people back into the park as quickly as possible.

I want to take a moment to thank our Jurassic Park EMTs. They’re the real heroes here, right? In the process of responding to velociraptor attacks, many of our EMTs get mauled and dismembered by velociraptors themselves. That’s why, as a sign of appreciation, we will be repainting the Jurassic Park ambulance with the words “Hero Mobile.”  We think this is a far more meaningful token of gratitude than the salary increase they requested.

I know many of you are going to be hesitant about returning to Jurassic Park knowing there’re still velociraptors roaming the preserve, but rest assured things will return to normal sooner rather than later. The life expectancy of a velociraptor is only 15-20 years, so these attacks will eventually run their course.

In the meantime, will more visitors die? Yes. Will more Jurassic Park staff die? Yes. But know that their sacrifice will not be forgotten – we plan to erect a small plaque dedicated to all of the velociraptor attack victims.


The biggest outbreaks are in prisons, religious ceremonies, and workplaces, such a meat packing facilities and call centers. Any environment that’s enclosed, with poor air circulation and high density of people, spells trouble.

Most infection events were indoors, with people closely-spaced, with lots of talking, singing, or yelling. The main sources for infection are home, workplace, public transport, social gatherings, and restaurants. This accounts for 90% of all transmission events. In contrast, infections while shopping appear to be responsible for 3-5% of infections.

Indoor spaces, with limited air exchange or recycled air and lots of people, are concerning from a transmission standpoint. We know that 60 people in a volleyball court-sized room (choir) results in massive infections. Same situation with the restaurant and the call center.

The important principle is viral exposure over an extended period of time. In all these cases, people were exposed to the virus in the air for a prolonged period (hours). Even if they were 50 feet away (choir or call center), even a low dose of the virus in the air reaching them, over a sustained period, was enough to cause infection and in some cases, death.

If you are sitting in a well ventilated space, with few people, the risk is low.

Importantly, of the countries performing contact tracing properly, only a single outbreak has been reported from an outdoor environment (less than 0.3% of traced infections).

There have been recorded incidents of infections occurring on planes, but for the volume of air traffic, the incidence is low. They have great air filtration on board most modern planes.

Those immediately around you on the plane and fomite transfer from surfaces are your major concern.

Be super cautious using the bathroom, put the seat down and then flush!

………………………………………………….

The above two stories were excerpted from these two places:

SURE, THE VELOCIRAPTORS ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE, BUT THAT’S NO REASON NOT TO REOPEN JURASSIC PARK

The Risks – Know Them – Avoid Them

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How change happens

These words are so unlikely to be seen together that they could be a Jerry Seinfeld punchline, “Jews with foreskins.” What would it take to cause a cultural shift to leaving  Jewish baby boys intact? In this century, there have been two big societal impacts which could be triggers.

Maybe while NYC was recovering from the 9/11 terrorist attack, there must’ve been a significant time period when nonessential activities weren’t pursued. During that window of time how many Jewish male infants near the World Trade Center weren’t circumcised after the attack because of the disarray? And after things returned to normal and those babies were older maybe some parents let it slide.

Now it’s 2020, and those baby boys are young men with foreskins intact and maybe some have decided they like their foreskins.

Even if they might like the cut look, considering what they’d have to endue to get it, they decide against enduring that pain and drama of getting circumcised.

And now it’s May, 2020 and the US is still on lockdown. Is the same scenario taking place for recently born male Jewish babies? Just a thought, but change often occurs in unexpected ways.

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Surprising information

I’m a hunter gatherer of surprising information. Some of it is useful, some is truly surprising, and some is no more useful than a wristwatch in Mexico. Here’s some to ponder:

As someone with a different name, studies of names usually get my attention. Names including an infix, e.g. David van Mitchell instead of David Mitchell, ranked 43% higher in perceived social status. People will rate a piece of writing 14% better when the author’s name includes a middle initial.

Using plastic bags has become uncool. But taking a 30,00 foot view of the environmental footprint, the issue becomes murky. Reusable organic cotton bags must be used 149 times to offset the effects of traditional plastic bags on climate change, and they must be used 20,000 times to offset all combined environmental effects.

Timing is import. For example, you’ll get better results from a bureaucrat after lunch than before lunch when they might be hangry. Unfortunately, often you can’t control timing. After the LSU football team loses a game, Louisiana juvenile court judges hand out 6.4% longer sentences on average. And the longest sentence lengths are handed out by judges living closest to LSU.

We used to obsess about celebrities. Then social media caught on, we started obsessing about one another. Facebook gives you the impression that everyone else in the world is having a better time, and that if you are not cataloging your life, you’re not really living it. You only see pictures of others having a great time at the best party. People are developing a chemical addiction to their phones. A gambling addict feels that rush of brain chemicals not when they win but when the roulette wheel is spinning. When someone pulls out their phone to see if someone has commented on the photo they posted, they get that same rush.

This is crazy. No person born blind has ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

There’re some surprising casualties of smart phone use. Worldwide, growth in the fragrance industry is lagging behind cosmetics and skincare products, because ‘You can’t smell a selfie’.

The human mind is very powerful (or maybe gullible). Placebos are so effective that placebo placebos work: A pain cream with no active ingredients worked even when not used by the patient. Just owning the cream was enough to reduce pain.

No wonder it’s hard for some folks to find their boot straps to pull themselves up with. The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation says, “Where you are born is more predictive of your future than any other factor.”

It’s hard to believe that mammals are doing as well as we are. Scientists have identified about 120,000 species of fungi in 2019, but estimate there are as many as 3.3 million species in all. By comparison, all living mammals comprise fewer than 6,400 species.

Do you like yams and sweet potatoes? The sweet potato provides more nutrients per farmed acre than any other staple.

The human mind is weak. Expensive placebos work better than cheap placebos.

God bless Google, I searched for what happened in the year of the last four digits of my cell phone. The corncob pipe was invented 1869.

Don’t tell Lamborgini owners this. A developed country is not a place where the poor have cars. It’s where the rich use public transport.

Hey vegans. People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because harassing rich women is safer than harassing motorcycle gangs.

It’s hard to believe that there are people who think that the Earth is flat or that climate change is a hoax. You cannot reason people out of positions they didn’t reason themselves into.

Don’t tell Louie Vitton this. Luxury isn’t about owning a lot of stuff. It’s about feeling unrushed.

A tidbit for the anti-vaxers.You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

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Happiness Ideas

Government as a logistical ally

A recent NYT article about a young American couple living in Finland provides some interesting observations. Here’re some highlights.

When capitalists perceive government as a logistical ally rather than an ideological foe and when all citizens have a stake in high-quality public institutions, it’s amazing how well government can get things done.

Nordic nations as a whole, including a majority of their business elites, have arrived at a simple formula: Capitalism works better if employees get paid decent wages and are supported by high-quality, democratically accountable public services that enable everyone to live healthy, dignified lives and to enjoy real equality of opportunity for themselves and their children. For us, that has meant an increase in our personal freedoms and our political rights — not the other way around.

Nordic capitalists are not dumb. They know that they will still earn very handsome financial returns even after paying their taxes. They keep enough of their profits to live in luxury, wield influence and acquire social status. There are several dozen Nordic billionaires. Nordic citizens are not dumb, either. If you’re a member of the robust middle class in Finland, you generally get a better overall deal for your combined taxes and personal expenditures, as well as higher-quality outcomes, than your American counterparts — and with far less hassle.

Why would the wealthy in Nordic countries go along with this? Some Nordic capitalists actually believe in equality of opportunity and recognize the value of a society that invests in all of its people. But there is a more prosaic reason, too: Paying taxes is a convenient way for capitalists to outsource to the government the work of keeping workers healthy and educated, liberating businesses to focus on what they do best: business.

Even well-positioned Americans now struggle under debilitating pressures, and a majority inhabit a treacherous Wild West where poverty, homelessness, medical bankruptcy, addiction and incarceration can be just a bit of bad luck away. Americans are told that this is freedom and that it is the most heroic way to live.

Again, when capitalists perceive government as a logistical ally rather than an ideological foe, life gets better for everyone. Fins report extraordinarily high levels of life satisfaction. And for the second year in a row, Finland is ranked as the happiest country on earth.

 

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Happiness Health Ideas

Secondhand Therapy

Someone on twitter asked people in therapy to chime in with a piece of advice from therapy they found helpful. Here’re a bunch of different ideas in no real order.

Take care of your body during times of crisis and it will take care of you.

He may not always love me the way I want him to, but he’s loving me the best he knows how.

When you say “I feel that this action was inconsiderate” the other person can’t say you don’t feel that way.

Society doesn’t need to be the one setting your schedule. Eat breakfast at 11, go to bed at 1am. There’s no correct mold to fit, just find whatever works best for you.

The problem is you’re thinking rationally when dealing with somebody who’s irrational.

You’re not responsible for how anyone feels or reacts when you’ve done the right thing and are acting in kindness. The pain is on their shoulders.

You’re responsible for your actions, not others’ reactions.

Every time you resist feeling an emotion it goes down to the basement to lift weights.

Other people having it worse does not make your pain any less real, someone else’s broken ankle doesn’t mean yours isn’t sprained.

If you can imagine the worst thing, you can imagine the best thing. Both things are imaginary. Say out loud the positive outcome, repeat until it feels more real.

Honesty without tact is cruelty.

When you have a negative thought think…
Is it true?
Is it helpful?
Is it inspiring?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?

Don’t attempt to understand why a dysfunctional person does what they do. Dysfunction has no logic behind it.

Relationships are as subject to the sunk cost fallacy as anything else. They shouldn’t be held onto at all costs simply because they’re long standing. No matter how good it once was or for how long, if it’s not serving you any more (or has become toxic) it’s okay to end it.

Never compare yourself to other people and even more importantly never compare yourself to fantasy versions of how your life would’ve turned out had you made a different choice. That’s the most dangerous mind game of all.

Thoughts aren’t facts.

Stop trying to make people happy who clearly prefer to be miserable.

Best response to bullies/teasing is to just shrug and honestly say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And just keep on going.

You’re not responsible for the version of you that they created in their mind.

Tell people when they upset you instead of hoping they will notice your changed behavior towards them

Every child in a family has a different childhood.

Imagine Narcissists as a flower vase with no bottom. No matter how much water (praise) you fill it with, it’ll never be full. No matter how much you do or say, it’ll never be enough. You cannot fix them and they will just keep taking and never love you.

Listen to what people say but watch what they do.

The question that finally got me out of a toxic relationship: “Why do you have to be responsible for managing someone else’s disappointment?”

The only things I owe people are straightforwardness and kindness

You can’t spend all your time thinking of things in the far future. When you drive a car you have to be mindful of the destination but focus on what’s in front of you. If you look too far ahead, you’ll rear end someone.

For intrusive thoughts and rumination: schedule a short daily time to allow it, and when the thought comes into your head just put it off until that time. Eventually you may forget to do your daily ruminating and it just passes.

Pre-verbal trauma cannot be healed with talk therapy. Touch is the way to work with the parts of your nervous system that are traumatized and that are also too young to have narrative memory or words.

When people are abused by someone they love, they don’t stop loving that person. They stop loving themselves.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Stop asking the question “Why” when you can’t understand someone’s motivation. There’s no answer. Stop expecting something someone does not have to give.

My big one was my therapist telling me “you’re not a little kid anymore.”  I have control.

If the person you love most in the world (best friend, child, parent, etc) was in this situation, what would you want for them? That thought has helped me to start treating myself a lot better.

Sometimes the only closure will be accepting that you will not get closure.

‘Get up, dress up, show up’. These were the magic words when my anxiety tried to talk me out of having a social life. There’re a million reasons not to go, but if you do, you often end up enjoying yourself. Don’t overthink, just do it.

You’re unhappy because you’re making yourself do a lot of things you don’t want to do.

Be curious about why people do and say things. Ask them instead of assuming you know why. You never know what someone is thinking until you ask them. Save yourself the effort of mindreading (misreading) and ask.

I don’t go to therapy because when I find something that’s toxic, I get rid of it. Period.

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Ideas

Skipping stones and AI

Imagine a small group of people skipping stones at the water’s edge. Are they trying to fill the sea? Are they trying to empty the beach of stones? What else could they be doing?

They were having fun, taking turns, competing a bit, and testing themselves against the others. Then the stone skipping stops at a random point when everyone moves on to another activity.

How would artificial intelligence process this the first time it encountered people skipping stones? Once AI has passed the point of seeming humanlike how deep will AI’s human-ness be?

The “Turing test” is used to determine if AI can think intelligently like human. AI would be considered intelligent if it’s conversation couldn’t be easily distinguished from a human’s.

The test uses two humans and one computer, one human is isolated from other two players. All communication is text only on a computer keyboard and screen.

The interrogator’s job is figuring out which one is human and which one is an AI by asking questions from both of them. The computer would try to be as indistinguishable from a human as it could. The computer could lie or dumb itself down.

Once an AI passes a Turing test, how long will it be before AI really understands human behaviors such as skipping stones, making art, or trying to meet people simply because everyone carries a piece of the puzzle of life. There’re things we do that don’t appear important at the time but may be later. I don’t know if AI will be able to understand them even if it can predict them.

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Money

The world is not fair and nature doesn’t care if you’re happy. You have to set your own goals and try to achieve them.

Money helps a lot of people. Pretending it doesn’t is misguided if you’re living in a capitalist society. Money improves people’s circumstances. It just does. What’s enough varies from person to person, you don’t necessarily need a lot of money, but you need enough.

But what always stays the same is our desire to live longer, to live better, and to avoid suffering. It can’t be emphasized enough: have money. In general, the person with the most options will have better outcomes. The top predictor of health, around the world now and throughout history is wealth. And if you can get it without compromising your sense of purpose or connection to others, or your  moral decency so much the better.

We’re constantly trying to reduce our level of anxiety. At the most basic level, organisms react in one of two ways, by approaching something or by avoiding something. Our consistent motivations are reproducing, living longer, living better, and avoiding suffering. Not having money cuts down the number of options we have.

Where can you trade money for time? Where can you spend money that creates more time tomorrow or next week? That’s almost always a good investment.

In a capitalist system, you become rich by living in a nation with the things you need to become rich. Some of those things are infrastructure, education, and a workforce, and mostly, a population of people who can afford to buy things.

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Stories

Communicating clearly

I like sayings that are efficient compressions of information.

Latin words, jargon, poetry, or stories in their ancient wordings are often unclear and confusing. Most of the time those forms of communication are used to impress, not for communicating more clearly.

This made me think about the dating app Tinder where most initial decisions are based only on the first photo that pops up. After that initial gut level selection then there’s the written bit. Are those profiles brief, clear, and appealing or a potential partner?

No slack is cut for poor communication.

I’m not on Tinder so I Googled samples of Tinder profiles. Some were surprisingly funny. Here’re some of the funnier ones:

I’m the kinda girl you can take home to your family. I’ll then get closer to them than you are and we’ll slowly phase you out.

 A threesome? No way, if I want to disappoint two people in the same room, I’ll just have dinner with my parents.

Two reasons to date me: One, because you’d be the good looking one; and two, Please!

I work most nights fighting crime. I’m not saying I’m Batman, but I am saying no one has seen the Joker in around here.

I like long walks on the beach with my girlfriend. At least until the LSD wears off and I realize I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy’s parking lot.

All men are pigs and I’m in the mood for bacon.

I once rescued a fireman from a burning building.

I don’t have Ebola.

Let’s be honest I’m on Tinder and my first picture is of me in a bikini – I’m not looking for a relationship or a friend.

Let me meet your mom. She’ll think I’m charming, super funny, and kinda sexy all at the same time; and she’ll fall in love with me. We’ll get married. I’m your dad now, and you’re in trouble ’cause you’re on Tinder.

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Happiness Ideas

The taboo of enlightenment

I’m not sure what enlightenment really means. But it does seem fascinating.

Some people have probably attained it. But most people don’t really talk about it directly because they think it’s taboo. But why is that?

A guy in this 2004 article  who says he’s enlightened does talk about it directly and has some interesting takes on it based on his direct experience.

I do find it a little weird that an American named Steve Gray decided to change his name to Adyashanti. He says he had an awakening at 31 and  decided to teach about it.

I think changing your name to Adyshanti would only add to the unusualness of an unusual subject that he wants to normalize. It’s a minor point though and he’s decidedly not woo woo. I just extracted the parts of the article I found interesting. Go ahead Steve.

When I looked around at the Buddhist tradition, I realized that the success rate was terrible. People were in it for enlightenment, but very few were actually getting enlightened. If this were a business, I thought, we’d be bankrupt.

I didn’t reject anything. I just stopped blindly adhering to the traditional approach, and the energy bound up in following the traditional approach transferred to looking deeply into what’s really true.

Enlightenment is awakening from the dream of being a separate me to being the universal reality. It’s not an experience or a perception that occurs to a separate person as the result of spiritual practice or cultivated awareness. It doesn’t come and go, and you don’t need to do anything to maintain it. It’s not about being centered or blissful or peaceful or any other experience. In fact, enlightenment is a permanent nonexperience that happens to nobody. The separate person is seen through, and you realize that only the supreme, universal reality exists, and that you are that.

The tradition of talking about certain experiences only in private with your teacher keeps enlightenment a secret activity reserved for special people.

We sit around casually and talk about it. What’s happening on the inside for people isn’t kept secret or hidden. This way, people get beyond the sense that they’re the only ones who are having this or that experience. They come out of their shell, which actually makes them more available to a deeper spiritual process. When everything remains open to inquiry, then even the ego’s tendency to claim enlightenment for itself becomes obvious in the penetrating light of public discourse.

In the long run, both ways have their strengths and weaknesses. I’ve found that having students ask their questions in public breaks down the isolation many spiritual people feel—the sense that nobody else could possibly understand what they’re going through, or that they’re so rotten at their practice, or that nobody could be struggling like they are.

When people have breakthroughs and talk about them in public, awakening loses its mystique. Everyone else can see that it’s not just special people who have deep awakenings, it’s their neighbor or their best friend.

The very notion that anybody attains enlightenment is a taboo. We’re all going after this, but God forbid somebody says they’ve realized it.

People are chasing an awakening they don’t believe could happen to them. That’s a barrier, and the biggest one. People want liberation, but they are also terrified of it.

I didn’t leave Buddhism. I just woke up out of the identity of being a Buddhist, as anyone who wakes up will. I’m not teaching to transmit a tradition or carry on a lineage; I’m teaching to awaken whoever may be interested in awakening.