Someone on twitter asked people in therapy to chime in with a piece of advice from therapy they found helpful. Here’re a bunch of different ideas in no real order.
Take care of your body during times of crisis and it will take care of you.
He may not always love me the way I want him to, but he’s loving me the best he knows how.
When you say “I feel that this action was inconsiderate” the other person can’t say you don’t feel that way.
Society doesn’t need to be the one setting your schedule. Eat breakfast at 11, go to bed at 1am. There’s no correct mold to fit, just find whatever works best for you.
The problem is you’re thinking rationally when dealing with somebody who’s irrational.
You’re not responsible for how anyone feels or reacts when you’ve done the right thing and are acting in kindness. The pain is on their shoulders.
You’re responsible for your actions, not others’ reactions.
Every time you resist feeling an emotion it goes down to the basement to lift weights.
Other people having it worse does not make your pain any less real, someone else’s broken ankle doesn’t mean yours isn’t sprained.
If you can imagine the worst thing, you can imagine the best thing. Both things are imaginary. Say out loud the positive outcome, repeat until it feels more real.
Honesty without tact is cruelty.
When you have a negative thought think…
Is it true?
Is it helpful?
Is it inspiring?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
Don’t attempt to understand why a dysfunctional person does what they do. Dysfunction has no logic behind it.
Relationships are as subject to the sunk cost fallacy as anything else. They shouldn’t be held onto at all costs simply because they’re long standing. No matter how good it once was or for how long, if it’s not serving you any more (or has become toxic) it’s okay to end it.
Never compare yourself to other people and even more importantly never compare yourself to fantasy versions of how your life would’ve turned out had you made a different choice. That’s the most dangerous mind game of all.
Thoughts aren’t facts.
Stop trying to make people happy who clearly prefer to be miserable.
Best response to bullies/teasing is to just shrug and honestly say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And just keep on going.
You’re not responsible for the version of you that they created in their mind.
Tell people when they upset you instead of hoping they will notice your changed behavior towards them
Every child in a family has a different childhood.
Imagine Narcissists as a flower vase with no bottom. No matter how much water (praise) you fill it with, it’ll never be full. No matter how much you do or say, it’ll never be enough. You cannot fix them and they will just keep taking and never love you.
Listen to what people say but watch what they do.
The question that finally got me out of a toxic relationship: “Why do you have to be responsible for managing someone else’s disappointment?”
The only things I owe people are straightforwardness and kindness
You can’t spend all your time thinking of things in the far future. When you drive a car you have to be mindful of the destination but focus on what’s in front of you. If you look too far ahead, you’ll rear end someone.
For intrusive thoughts and rumination: schedule a short daily time to allow it, and when the thought comes into your head just put it off until that time. Eventually you may forget to do your daily ruminating and it just passes.
Pre-verbal trauma cannot be healed with talk therapy. Touch is the way to work with the parts of your nervous system that are traumatized and that are also too young to have narrative memory or words.
When people are abused by someone they love, they don’t stop loving that person. They stop loving themselves.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Stop asking the question “Why” when you can’t understand someone’s motivation. There’s no answer. Stop expecting something someone does not have to give.
My big one was my therapist telling me “you’re not a little kid anymore.” I have control.
If the person you love most in the world (best friend, child, parent, etc) was in this situation, what would you want for them? That thought has helped me to start treating myself a lot better.
Sometimes the only closure will be accepting that you will not get closure.
‘Get up, dress up, show up’. These were the magic words when my anxiety tried to talk me out of having a social life. There’re a million reasons not to go, but if you do, you often end up enjoying yourself. Don’t overthink, just do it.
You’re unhappy because you’re making yourself do a lot of things you don’t want to do.
Be curious about why people do and say things. Ask them instead of assuming you know why. You never know what someone is thinking until you ask them. Save yourself the effort of mindreading (misreading) and ask.
I don’t go to therapy because when I find something that’s toxic, I get rid of it. Period.
A recent NYT article about a young American couple living in Finland provides some interesting observations. Here’re some highlights.